Breath

I experimented with writing poetry for my Intro to Poetry class this semester.  I needed to imitate a specific poetic device, and I chose the way that E. E. Cummings uses long and short lines create dynamics in his poems, and irregular line breaks to cause a jarring effect on the reader.  I chose to also use almost no punctuation, as he does in many of his poems, to create a kind of breathless, run on feeling.  I'll post more explanation and reflection later, but here's the poem. 

Breath

By Jessica Varvil

just

give me

a moment

to catch my

i need to do everything

i can to make sure that nothing is left

too much has been put off now it needs to be done and i don’t have time

crushes and pulls me from every direction what needs to be should have been still may be

time though i don’t know

why i thought there would be check it again

my heart is racing

is that bad

my sister would always

ask me that when we were young

and i would lie and laugh but theres nothing

funny in thinking you’re dying

like i do when i can feel

my lungs pressed in from every side

and struggle to draw it in when i know that

the battle is inside my mind not my body but that doesn’t

make it better just harder

finally a deep long rattling that fills lungs with hope and air but is a desperate war for control

over my own mind and body i wish i’d prepared more maybe if i’d done

more i wouldn’t feel this way now but i didn’t and i can’t

but i can now i can win against it 

i just need to

it’s gone

i have to work again to 

get it back i need it to be calm and 

to finish everything check another item off

the list of never-ending tasks that make up a life

and make the difference between success and failure to

achieve anything to look back and regret every wasted moment and

wonder if your life meant anything at all of if it would have if you had just

been able to finish more do more be more for everyone would they love you more

I took a deep breath.

Why I Need to Write More

I thought of my old blog today as I stared disappointedly at the date on a different blog I was reading.  The last entry Brian J. Fruzen had posted was an elaborately crafted Pathfinder adventure called "The Fall of Fairhaven".  As a new GM (game master) for a group of my friends, I looked into the pre-created adventure, loved it, and added my own flair onto it.  I plan to use it with my Pathfinder group in a week or so, and I was intrigued by the author's alternate ending with a world catastrophe about to reappear.  I went back on his blog and realized that "The Fall of Fairhaven" was posted all the way back in April.... of 2013.  I was disappointed, knowing that I would probably never get to hear what Brian J. Fruzen had concocted for a campaign against world-ravaging earthquakes and dragons.

I even got a little indignant, thinking that it was extremely irresponsible to give people an expectation that you'll continue writing, then squash their hopes and dreams when you never do.

Then I realized that I was being a hypocrite.

Now, I haven't really put out any earth-shattering, engrossing posts on my blog that would frustrate readers when I decide to stop writing for a year and a half, but that doesn't mean that I don't get emotionally invested in what I write.

SocialMedia.biz

I have a lot of thoughts and stories that swirl through my head constantly, but I don't let them out very often.  I think that many people, including myself, have just gotten into the habit of keeping it all inside.  As little as people want to hear about my philosophical and political ideas in casual conversation, they want to hear my stories even less.  But I think that one of the wonderful things that the internet can bring us is the audience that searches for you.  People who do want to hear about your intricate storylines will find you, just as I came across "The Fall of Fairhaven" because I was interested in Pathfinder adventures.

All the parodies that show bloggers and other people who post online as a multitude just shouting out their words to the masses have it a bit wrong.*  Sure, on social media sites such as Twitter and Facebook, people have chosen to follow you, but may not be interested in hearing your every waking thought, but the beauty of blogs is that people choose to listen to what you have to say.

More importantly than putting my thoughts out there for the few that may be interested in it, and the fewer that will find them, I want to write more for myself.  Actually writing a blog, and doing it well like Elle at Vicarious Vicissitudes, takes discipline.  One has to make the time to write and then figure out a suitable topic.  Then they have to take that topic, find out what they really think, why they think it, and make it suitable for the public.  Bloggers also have to realize that what they have said is now out there for everyone to see.  Every potential employer, friend, relative, or partner can now see what you thought about a certain current issue or a story that you made up in high school.

Which means that if I don't follow up the post with more posts, everyone is going to realize that I flaked out on writing my blog.  Again.  But that's okay; it means that I have a little extra incentive to keep writing, to feel confident about my ideas, and to share them with the world.

*Videos like this include: Things You Do Online That'd Be Creepy In Real Life and others, just search around :)

The Intrinsic Value of Nature

As a Christian, I believe that God created the heavens, the earth, man, and all creatures and things that dwell on the earth.  Nature is God’s creation, and that creation points to and glorifies it’s everlasting creator by it’s very presence

This was taken near North Bend, Washington.

in the world.  Evidence of not only nature’s use to man, but also it being used by God can be found all over scripture.  God created this world, and all in it, for a purpose.  As we heard in the chapel video this Monday, “God doesn’t create trash”.  What he makes has worth simply because he has made it.

The opening verse of Job chapter 38 states that God spoke to Job “out of the whirlwind and clouds”.  I thought that this was a very striking image of God using nature to show His glory and majesty.  It was almost as if God wanted to place heaven itself above Job, as if His throne were right there commanding Job’s attention and obedience.  In verse 7, God paints a picture of him creating a world in perfect harmony, and being praised by his creations all the while.  I think that this image of the angels praising God for creating the stars evokes a strong sense that the stars, and therefore the rest of creation, have value in themselves, even before humans were made.

God speaks of the sea being ‘born’ in verse 8, almost making it seem like one living creature.  Verse 14 seems to at the very least imply that humans were the only creation upon the Earth that was given the power of speech, which is something that many scientists have used to separate humans from the rest of the animal kingdom.  Now, we know that other animals, such as the orca whale, have something very close to language.  While I do not have enough information to say whether humans are the only animals with the power of speech, I can have the pious opinion that this verse was being used to illustrate the power and majesty of God through his creation.  I find this interesting, because we, just as the rest of creation, glorify God because we were made by Him.

Chapter 39 of the book of Job begins with God saying that he marks even when the deer and goats give birth.  This shows that God cares infinitely about his creation, and does not forsake even the most remote creatures.  Why should we, as humans endeavouring to follow in the example of our Lord and Saviour, neglect his own beloved creatures?  The answer is that we cannot, not with a full and right understanding of scripture.  We must understand that God gives value to nature, even relieving the childbirth pangs of wild animals, and we ought to give them value as well.

When I was reading Job chapter 9, I got the sense that God has created wilderness, not just the tame creatures that we tend to think of in conjunction with God.  As C. S. Lewis drew the analogy in The Chronicles of Narnia, God is no ‘tame lion’.  God has created the wilds, the tigers and the creeping things, as well as the kitten and the bunny.  This made me remember the transcendentalism and frontier romanticism movements from the age of American romanticism, where people put a heavy emphasis on finding themselves and God in untouched nature.

The more one reads scripture, the more one is lead to the undeniable truth that nature has it’s own intrinsic value, apart from just what human beings need to survive.  We take the Word of God as absolute truth, so therefore we must realize that because God places value in his creation, so should we.  God has placed things in a certain order, and he has placed people in dominion over the Earth.  He has given us the ability to grow to such heights that we have the power to destroy the world, and we need to realize that we have the responsibility to care for nature past what we need to meet our own ends.  Nature can be a help to humans, giving us sustenance, medicine, meditation, and even entertainment, but it has value apart from all of these things as well.

Tom Hiddleston Funny Moments

This is not a full blog post, I just wanted to share one of the best 15 minutes of my life! Tom Hiddleston is not only adorable, but he also is smart and funny.  He has a classics degree from Cambridge, but is also spontaneous and always willing to do things for his fans.  These show that even when he is just being himself, he is a genuinely funny guy.  All hail King Loki!! :)

Ultra-healthy Peanut Butter Banana Ice Cream

This will be short! Another Pinterest recipe that I tried out yesterday was a simple recipe for peanut butter banana ice cream, and when I say simple, I mean simple.  There are two ingredients: Peanut butter and bananas.  Seriously.  The trick is that the bananas have to be frozen.  I just threw a bunch of bananas in the freezer for this, but it's better if you slice some, put it into a ziplock bag, and THEN freeze it for 2-3 hours.  After they're frozen, pulse the bananas in a blender until they form a soft-serve type consistency.  Add in a dollop (very exact measurement) or two of peanut butter and finish mixing!  It's not quite ice cream consistency, but it's refreshing and yummy! If you want a more ice cream feel, freeze the mixture after you've mixed it and eat it then!

Pinterest Pasta

Before my crazy finals week, I decided to have fun with some recipes that I found on Pinterest. Part of why I wanted to blog post this is because the link on the pin didn't lead anywhere useful. I've never done a recipe post, but I think this will be fun! This recipe has only a few ingredients, and you'll probably already have most of them at home anyways! The recipe calls for:

ziti noodles (the recipe didn't specify, but I found that 1 box of Barilla pasta works well!) 

1 lb of ground beef

1 package taco seasoning (I had a container of seasoning, so I just seasoned to taste)

1 cup water (this is for the meat. I didn't use it, but I'll discus that later!)

1/2 package of cream cheese (I used 4 oz.)

1 1/2 shredded cheese (I used a lot more!)

So, the first thing that I did was get my ingredients together!

I then set up my equipment. I set my oven for 350, got out a casserole pan, and started some boiling water (with a dash of salt and olive oil to prevent sticking).  I then got out a large pan, put some oil in it, and got to browning the ground beef!

There is no reason to have a tea kettle on the stove, by the way, mine was just there. Now, depending on how quickly you get your water to boil and what pasta you're using, you might do things in a slightly different order.  I browned the beef until there was no more pink anywhere. The recipe tells you to drain the meat, then add water before putting in the taco seasoning.  I used lean ground beef, so I decided not I drain and just used the oil that I had been cooking with while adding the taco seasoning. I just added some, mixed it up, then tasted a bit when I thought it was ready.  Then, I added the half a package of cream cheese and just mixed it together while still on low heat until it was creamy.  While/before/after this is going on, you want your pasta to be cooking. As soon as the water comes to a rolling boil, add the pasta and follow the directions on the box for aldente pasta.  When the time is up, strain it! 

Now that everything is individually cooked, the time has come to put it into a casserole! Start by spreading out the pasta in the casserole dish.

Then mix in about a cup of cheese, feel free to add more if you want it extra cheesy on the inside, but we'll be adding more on top!  Next you'll want to mix in your beef mixture and gently mix it all together.  Then add a liberal coat of cheese on the top, and the dish is ready to bake!

Bake uncovered for about 15 minutes and it should be ready to eat! My family ended up really enjoying it.  We pared it with some yummy rolls and a Caesar salad. Have fun!

Writing from the Heart

I haven't blogged for months now, and I am disappointed in myself for doing so.  I could use the excuse of how busy I have been, but I would just be making excuses.  I didn't start writing a blog to get famous, or share my Pinterest recipe stories, but to give myself a way to keep writing.  So much of my writing lately has either been rushed, or heavily stilted toward what I think people want to hear, rather than me just writing from my heart.  Last weekend, at the urging of my parents, I cranked out the last essay that I had to do for a college scholarship.  It sounded a lot like others that I had done, even though the prompt was pretty different.  I was writing what I thought that everyone would want to hear.

Nothing that I wrote was untrue, but it didn't feel like me.  That's what my dad told me when he read my essay.  He said that he "couldn't hear my voice" in it at all.  My initial reaction was anger - "What?! I just did what you told me to do and wrote the paper! Now I have to write a different one?!".  Then, about 2 seconds later, I became worried - "But that means I'll have to be writing it during the week! When will I possibly find time for that? How am I going to find a whole new angle to write from? I'm never going to go to college!!!!!....." and so forth.  It wasn't until I took a nice deep breath and considered the prompt again that it finally hit me: I did have another idea.

The essay prompt was a poem entitled The Summer's Day by Mary Oliver.  Not trying to look for how I could put in my accomplishments or what an admissions counselor would be looking for, I realized that the poem put a very vivid image in my head.  I waited until this morning to just sit down and write about it.  I just took that image from my head and put it on paper.  Of course I had to tie it into what I actually wanted to do with my life, but even though I made much the same points, this paper was completely different from it's predecessor.  What I wrote had come from my heart.  Of course it took my head to form the sentences and find the proper words, but I was conveying my emotions and my dreams, rather than just my ideas.

Writing should be about the heart.  Oh, I know that there will be plenty of projects and formal papers to write in the course of my education, but that shouldn't be all writing is.  Writing is art, as fluid and creative as paint or imagination.  I never want to lose that dreamy quality of being able to write my dreams and wishes straight from my heart.

Non Biblical Proof of Jesus

Yet again, I would like to share with the world that which I think. I don't always have the most interesting of thoughts, but I think that if it's worth discussing in World Religions, it's worth talking about on a blog. For this class I had to watch these videos entitled Biblical Evidence as Proof for Jesus Christ (I tried to include a link to the first one, I hope it works! If it doesn't, just search for it on Youtube!)  I thought that the premise would be interesting, trying to tie historical works into what the Bible already says.  Though it was interesting, I only watched the first video.  I found that they employed very sound topics of citing well known classical authors to prove their points.

I always find it interesting when new studies come out about historical evidence that may or may not conflict with or confirm what is already written in the Bible.  Though I find it as fascinating as the next person when some archeological artifact reflects what is told in the Bible, giving secular people something to consider when writing off the Bible.  Even accounting for this fascination, I do not believe that faith is based on gathering enough evidence to prove your point, any more than it is about finding the strain of perfect logic that brings your ideals above reproach.

I think that the premise under which the man in this video is basing his investigation is a very good one.  People ought to question random statistics and claims that are made without evidence presented to support them.  I find it terribly interesting that we gather much of our knowledge about ancient Greece and Rome from classical historians such as Tacitus, but try to ignore them when they disagree with something that we want to say.  I find it also interesting that Tacitus was clearly not a Christian, even calling Christianity “mischief”, yet he still confirmed the existence and execution of Christ.

I also find it encouraging that not only one trusted classical source, but also multiple writers of the time, agree on the basic facts of the recorded life of Jesus Christ.  Even the skeptics of the time did not doubt the fact that Jesus did exist.  I think that it is a relatively new and really very shallow argument that Jesus did not exist at all.  The heresies of the time included claiming that Jesus had never risen from the dead and that he was either all God OR all man, but never that he had never existed at all.

Even though I think that this argument is one that is ridiculously flawed, I think that it is still something that needs to be discussed in our society because of it’s prevalence.  I also think that it is important to use properly cited reliable sources, because many time people think of Christians only as a band of enthusiasts, rather than the theologians that we really are.

Rick Warren TED talk Analysis

Many of you will have heard the name 'Rick Warren'. I was required to watch a video by him for my World Religions class. This is my analysis, and here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=640BQNxB5mc.

One of the first point that Rick Warren makes in this video is about spiritual emptiness.  He states that “everyone’s betting their life on something”, which can be very true.  Warren talks about this in terms of a ‘world view’, which he defines as how you look at the world, what you believe to be true, and what you put your faith in.  Though later in his career, Rick Warren became famous for the statement ‘deeds not creeds’, this idea of a ‘worldview’ sounds suspiciously like a confession or creed.  Because he does not specifically mention his ‘deeds not creeds’ movement, I will not even begin to explain how very wrong that is.

Another point that Warren makes is about tithing.  Tithing is giving ten percent of one’s earnings to God, and was instructed in the Old Testament to God’s people.  In the New Testament, the idea is not of tithing, giving a certain amount to satisfy God, but of understanding that everything is God’s and that one should use it accordingly.  The practicality of his message to serve others is great, we should always be looking to attend to our neighbors, but he does not mention grace anywhere in this video.  The only time he mentions Christ is in a passing comment in his introduction.

I agree that God gives us all gifts, including those of wealth, wisdom, or influence, so that we may serve others.  Unfortunately, I found that Warren’s TED talk was incredibly ‘you’ centered.  Though he says specifically ‘this is not about you’, every point that he makes points to what you should do, even going as far as to say ‘God smiles when you be you’.  Humans in their natural state are sinful, and we cannot save ourselves through our own works.  We know through the doctrine of justification that grace comes only through faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, and not through our own works, so that no one can boast.

Thought the message of helping your neighbor and doing the best you can to glorify God with the gifts that he has given you, I found Warren’s points to be disordered.  You must put your faith not in the fact that you have been good enough to other people that God will be happy with you, but in that even as we were still sinners, God first loved us and sent Christ to die for our sins upon a cross.  We cannot cling to anything save Christ and still follow him into salvation.

'Letting Go of God' Analysis

For World Religions, I was required to watch a TED video by a woman named Julia Sweeney called "Letting Go of God". I encourage you to watch the video for yourself first, then to read my analysis. The link is here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtIyx687ytk.

I was not enamored with this video.  I not only felt like it had no real discernable point, but I also had a problem with a lot of the things that Julia Sweeney said.  First of all, the age of reason for Catholics is different than the age of accountability that Baptists have.  The baptists have an age of accountability because they do not believe in original sin or infant baptism, so they must have an age at which one becomes “accountable” for their actions. Catholics practice infant baptism because they, like Lutherans, believe in original sin. 

Rather than the Church deciding that kids can start sinning at the age of seven, “the Church does not define the age of reason as seven years old. Rather, the Church does not obligate Catholics under the age of seven to observe laws which are merely ecclesiastical.” (Blackburn, Jim)  In this way, the age of reason is the age that young Catholics will go through first communion, be accountable to canon law, and be “eligible to act as witness to a marriage, as sponsor at baptism or confirmation, and as a party to the formal contract of betrothal”.  ( Delany, Joseph. "Age of Reason.")

She states that she was a Catholic as a child, but she never specifies whether she is as an adult, though much of her terminology and lack of answers to basic questions of faith lead me to believe that she is not.  One thing that she said that really bothered me was what she said about women and motherhood.  When Ms. Sweeney was told by the two Mormon boys that the greatest gift that God had given women was the ability to bear children, she laughed at them.  I believe that much of our society today has lost an appreciation for motherhood, partly as a result from the extreme end of the feminism movement.  I believe it is downplaying a crucial part of being a woman to degrade motherhood.

When Julia Sweeney finished off her story about the Mormon evangelists by saying that Catholicism is just as crazy, she made an extreme statement without providing and supporting evidence for her theory.  In addition to making an arbitrary statement, she also never truly explained the point of her lecture.  She finished by asking herself rhetorically whether she “knew” that God loved her or “felt” that God loved her.  As a speaker trying to convey some point and as someone involving theological and philosophical point in their argument, I think that she did an extremely poor job of conveying whatever idea she hoped to bring to us.

Where I'm From

We read the original Where I'm From poem in English. Here is my imitation.

I am from the rose-thorn gate to a fantasy land,

From Harry Potter and Green Eggs and Ham.

I am from that secret meadow at the end of the trail

And bunk beds towering high above the floor.

I am from the stone that served as a royal throne

Whose severe features coldly surveyed its subjects.

My baby sister and I at the beach.

I am from Dolly and Minnie Mouse,

From Chase and Claire.

I am from beach kids and athletes,

And from reading a book a day,

From "As you wish" and "inconceivable!"

I am from  "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil."

I am from Vikings and carpenters,

From mac 'n' cheese and 'tuna nooda',

From traveling West in search of new horizons,

And from building your house with your own two hands,

From hiding from flashing lightning, the harbinger of tornadoes.

I am from those moments when the whole world consists of only those beside you.

Chapman

Yesterday, I went on the last of my college tours, this one to Chapman University in Orange County.  My initial motive for seeing this school was so that I could see my boyfriend again, but Chapman actually turned out to be very interesting.  I bought a shirt, so that means that I am going to apply!  Located in Orange county, the campus was beautiful and sunny.  The architecture reminded me of Pomona's, but without the starkness that I felt when I was there.  Chapman's 'inter-term' and different travel study options give a lot of good opportunities, and they have the type of medical program that I am looking at.  This is also the first time that one of the academic counselors has talked to me in depth about the pros and cons of living off campus, which interested me because Chapman is the only school that I am looking at where most of the students live off campus in the surrounding area.

Wrapping up this trip made me evaluate all of the colleges that I have visited so far. I came to the conclusion that I have a fairly solid five colleges that I want to apply to.  They have three tiers: my 1/2 tier is Pepperdine and Point Loma, which are interchangeable as my top choice; my 3/4 tier is USD and Chapman, which I would both be very happy to go to, but are slightly below the other two; then there is my "safety school", which doesn't mean that it's a school that I don't want to go, but that it is "safe" in almost every way. Saint Martin's is an hour from my house, familiar, small and Christian, and I have two friends that go there already. 

I would be happy to go to any of these schools, and I think that is important for my college list. I may still try to apply to an ivy or  two just to see what happens, but all of these 5 schools are places that I can see myself having a great college experience in. Now all that is left is to apply and choose! Haha, 'all'...

Pepperdine

The second campus that I visited on Monday was Seaver College at Pepperdine University.  I have wanted to go see the campus of Pepperdine for quite a while now, what with it being on a cliff overlooking the Pacific in Malibu.  I remember the first card that I ever got from Pepperdine sophomore year.  The post card said "You could be here right now" with a picture of the campus.  Living in rainy Washington, I really wished that I could be there.  I found that the pictures could not capture how beautiful the campus really is.

Aside from the picturesque location of the campus, I found that I very much liked the school itself.  The man who gave my information session was funny and engaging, full of personal stories from his time at Pepperdine that made me say "I want to have moments like those".  He shared how Pepperdine's study abroad program is almost unique in the fact that students can choose to spend a full year abroad at a Pepperdine mini campus in locations such as London, Florence, Germany, and other countries.  Aside from the stories, I found that Pepperdine gives a lot of opportunities that really interest me.  Going through their science building, I found the labs fascinating.  There were many labs, each of them equipped with nice, modern equipment, but they were also relatively small.  Science students get the chance to work one on one with their professor to actually do their own research in these cozy labs.

Their medical program was very much like the one offered at Point Loma, which means that it is exactly the type of program that I want to be in.  Pepperdine allows students to enroll in the program and participate in all of the pre-medicine opportunities that a pre-med major would receive, but also to major in whatever subject that they wanted.  I also loved that they were very unabashed about their Christianity.  The suit-style living all four years wasn't too bad either.  All in all, I found that Pepperdine ties for first with Point Loma, followed by USD and Saint Martin's.  My last college trip to Chapman University might make my list an even five!

Pomona

So, I had a very busy college day on Monday.  So busy, in fact, that I am giving it two blog posts!  That's right, you might have to read more! Muwahahahaha.  Well, I think that I am stalling because it was pretty hard to formulate my opinion of Pomona.  In contrast to the last school that I visited, I went into my information session and tour of Pomona with an extremely high expectation of falling in love with Pomona. When I asked my best friend which college she had loved most just by the visit, she responded with a "Pomona!!!!!!!!!!!". I'm actually fairly certain that I used the exact number of exclamation marks that she did.  Needless to say, I took her response to heart and went in wanting to be amazed.  I'm not sure if my reaction was a result of having too high of an idealistic standard, or just that I don't like the same type of schools that she does.

One thing that I really loved about Pomona was the surrounding area.  Before heading into our 9am tour, my family went to grab a bite at the Starbucks a few blocks away from campus.  In addition to being nice and green, the street was lined with cute shops and galleries for local artists.  The unfortunate part of the nice and green campus was that I was allergic to something green and not-so-nice.  I was sneezing and eye-watering the entire tour, but I tried to put that out of my reaction to the college.  I hope it worked.

The biggest thing that I didn't like about Pomona was something that I didn't realize how much I valued - a Christian environment.  When beginning my college search, going to a Christian college was not a very big deal to me, or so I thought.  Now I realize that having a Christian community completely changes how I view a college.  I started wondering how comfortable I would really feel at a very secular, liberal college.  I want to major in science and become a pediatrician, so that is going to mean lots and lots of things like biology and chemistry.  Being a Christian student at a secular college majoring in biology will mean either hiding a lot of the conflicts that my beliefs will have with what they want me to say, or constantly butting heads with both other students and professors.

I thought that Pomona was a great school, but maybe not the one for me.  Taking the tour and information session taught me a lot about what I am looking for, but I don't think that it's Pomona.  I hope that my best friend doesn't hate me for this, but I thank her a lot for pushing me to tour at Pomona.  It has taught me a lot about myself and the place I want to be for the next four years of my life.

Why I want to go to college

Nelson Mandela, a remarkable world figure, once said that “education is the most powerful weapon that you can use to change the world”.  Though Nelson Mandela can seem like a man far removed from me, his words strike true for me because my parents have taught me the same idea in both words and action.  Both of my parents were the first in their families to go to college, and they have impressed upon me the importance of doing so.  They have taught me that the most important skill one can possess is to think.

The are many reasons that young people want to go to college.  Some are simply forced into it by expectation, others go only to find themselves a well paying career for financial security.  Thinking introspectively, I find that there are three main reasons that I would like to go to college.  First of all, I do want to prepare myself for the career path that I have chosen.  Getting a good college education would prepare me to apply to and study in medical school.  I have known from the first grade that I wanted to be a pediatrician, but I have also known that the medical career poses long years of education.  Without college, I would never be able to realize my dream of becoming a doctor and working with children.

Though not generally put into the category of ‘career’, I know that one day I am going to be a parent.  When I am, I would like to have the ability to teach my children the way that my parents have been able to teach me.  I want to be able to answer their questions and encourage them to learn for their entire lives.  College will prepare me not only for the more tangible career of medicine that I have chosen, but also for the possible calling of being a future parent.

I know that I would specifically like to go to a liberal arts college because I agree with the idea that college is not meant to merely teach one job specific skills, but to teach one to think.  I want to be an active and educated citizen of my community, church, and country.  When analyzing political or social issues, I want to be able to truly evaluate the arguments rather than being led by sensationalist media.  Even as a Christian, I know that I want to understand, as much as I can, what I believe.  I want to be able to give an apology of my faith to others, and through that, be a better witness and Christian.

Aside from learning how to think and preparing one for later in life, college is great place for a young adult to grow as a person.  When I go to college, I will be the tender age of seventeen, eager and terrified to go out on my own.  I will learn my strengths, but also my weaknesses.  College will be the first time that I will truly be out on my own, away from my parents, for an extended period of time.  College gives a safe ground for young people to test their wings and, inevitably, fall.  It is a place where all will grow in ways that they may not have completely forseen.

This is the Immaculata Church at the University of San Diego

Good Advice From a Best Friend

Sports are really big parts of my life.  That might be partially because they take up so much of my life, but also because they mean a lot to me.  Volleyball starts in the summer, goes through the fall, and ends about a week before I start practice for basketball.  This means that, all said an done, over half my year is spent doing a nearly ridiculous amount of sports training and playing.  That being said, it should be obvious that I would not have persevered at something that takes so much time and effort if I did not love it.  From the time I was very small, my parents have pushed me to try things.  Over time, they came to see how much they should push me to continue with something, and also when they should just let it drop.  For instance, when my mom was teaching me how to read when I was four, I adored learning so they kept pushing me forward.  Reading has been one of my absolute favorite things to this day.  On the other hand, when I tried to take karate lessons in second grade, after two classes, my dad was certain that I just didn't want to do it.  He was right, I wasn't having any fun, and I just didn't really want to be there.

As a tall child growing up, especially for a girl, there were always people talking to (or over) me and asking whether or not I played sports.  I had to play sports because I was so tall! Why was I not playing sports?! I don't know about anyone else, but for me, this just made me want to play sports even less.  Sure, I was tall, but I was that awkward gangly tall that comes when a child just never stops growing.  That kid who walking into doors and hit the wall when trying to turn the corner? Yeah, that was definitely me.  Even worse, I was painfully shy and all I ever wanted was to have some quiet time to read.  None of these things made me particularly eager to play sports.  Fortunately for me, my parents saw this as one of those times to push me forward, whether I liked it or not.

In fifth grade, they made me join the basketball team.  I disliked it for the first two years, but kept trying because my parents obviously wanted me to.  Luckily for me, the height that made people push me into sports really did help me.  I would trip on my feet running down the court, but, being a head taller than all the other girls on the court, all I had to do to rebound was stand underneath the basket and hold my hands above my head.  When I was in the seventh grade, they decided that I was going to do another sport - volleyball.

I made it through the awkwardness of middle school, and then through the first three years of high school, gaining not only control over my body, but also confidence and a love of the sport.  Now, going into my senior year, I'm feeling the pressure.  I made up an acronym for the way I feel before sports things - SHEN, which is "scared, happy, excited, nervous".  The old seniors are gone and I am going to have to take up responsibility along with the three other seniors.  I was prepared for all of this, even anticipating it, when I received some bad news about what might happen for the upcoming season.

Way back in middle school I received an injury to my right shoulder that never really went away.  For the longest time, I just categorized it with the rest of my body that is falling apart (both ankles, both hips, both wrists, lower back, upper back, neck), but 'powered through' it.  Last year, I realized that I really couldn't get away with it anymore, because it had gotten progressively worse, and it made hitting and serving in volleyball extremely painful.  I went to a sports medicine doctor who let me push off an MRI until after my season and gave me some physical therapy in the meantime.  Well, just yesterday I had to go back to my doctor (who is actually really cute, so I like seeing him!).

Talking more about how the symptoms and severity were, he told me that he was pretty sure that my problem was one of two things.  The first was a theory that we had been thinking about for a while, which is a labral tear in the cartilage of my shoulder.  This would mean surgery that could put me out for part of or all of my senior season.  The second was something that he had mentioned, but that I hadn't really given much thought to.  Apparently, some volleyball players bodies pinch a nerve when they serve or hit the ball, causing pain and muscle weakness.  My symptoms support both theories, so the only way to know for sure is to get an MR Arthrogram, an MRI with contrast that can look into the cartilage of my shoulder.  If they can't find a structural deficiency, then I have a nerve problem that could mean not playing volleyball anymore.

Needless to say, these are not the best options to have going into my highly anticipated senior year.  I was talking to my best friend about it, and concluded with saying that I don't even know what to pray for because I don't know which option is worse.  She responded by saying "Don't pray for one option then - just pray for God to do what's best".  I thought that was some of the best advice that I could hear at that moment.  I don't need to know which one to pray for, because God already does.  I have absolutely no control over which one of these problems I'll be diagnosed with, but God does have a plan for me.  Maybe that means not playing volleyball my senior year, or maybe not at all again, but he has his reasons.  Permaybehaps it's something that would seem completely crazy, like the tallest girl on the team becoming a setter or libaro, but wherever he leads, I'll follow.  Thanks, best friend. <3

The Stages of Dissapointment

I love music.  There is no other way to say it; I just do.  So, when there came an opportunity to sing in the choir at school in 7th grade, I took the leap and tried out.  Now, I went to a very sweet, Lutheran elementary school where, as long as you weren't tone deaf, you could get into the choir.  However, I haven't left choir from then till now.  Even when I had to make the dreadful scheduling choice between band and choir, I chose to sing.  Now, as a junior, I am finally becoming more confident in my voice, along with other things, and am trying to step out more.  For our Spring Fine Arts Night, the men and women of our choir split up to sing two gender specific songs, in which there were a few opportunities for solos.  Empowered by being an upperclassmen, I tried out, tightly holding my music with trembling hands.  I went a week without knowing whether I made it or not, but I found out today.

I didn't make the cut.

The two seniors in my class split the first solo and a freshman took all of the second.  When I heard, I was devastated, but only on the inside, of course.  On the outside I laughed it off, saying that it was probably better that I didn't get a solo, because who knew how many days it would take for me to regain my voice? Inside I was switching through emotions in the rapid way only a distraught woman can.  I can't remember the exact order of all of the feelings in the beginning, but I'll try my best.  First off, I was hurt.  Obviously this means that I wasn't good enough to make the cut.  Then, I was angry.  "Mr. Nuemiller totally doesn't like me! Of course the seniors all got solos, but how in the world did a freshman get chosen over me?" Then there was apathy. "I don't care, I didn't really want a solo all that much anyway."  Then my selfish brain finally added in the fact that one of the seniors who got a solo is one of my best friends.

That was when I started thinking more clearly.

I had been going on about how we weren't takin choir seriously enough, and now we were.  I didn't make the cut, but that doesn't mean that I can't make it next time.  I love my friend and she will do an amazing job with the solo, all of the other girls will, but that won't stop the new competitive spark inside of me.  If there's one thing I like, it's winning. ;)

Fashion? What's fashion?

My little sister and I cannot seem to decide whether we are opposites or the same person. On one hand, you never want to be on the opposite team if we're playing a guessing game; my sister and I can communicate easily without making a sound and send each other into peals of laughter. On the other hand, when it comes to music, fashion, hair, friends, colors, art, and anything else, we are polar opposites. She likes one direction and Rihanna while I abhor mainstream pop, hip hop, and rap and would much rather listen to Celtic punk.  She loves pink while 80% of my wardrobe is black, and the other 20% blue.  The most I do with my hair, even for big occasions, is curl or straighten it, while she takes an hour every morning to get read and likes bumps. She dyed her hair lighter blond on the day when I dyed mine black. Now we are clashing yet again, this time over my prom dress.  I can't post a picture of it (because certain boyfriends might want to look before prom), but I adore it and my sister does not.  She has picked out some of my favorite dresses, but this time we differ big time.  Out of every sparkly, bright mermaid dress she sent in, I chose a long, close-fitting  black dress. Even now, after I took my stand and bought it, I can tell that she thinks that I am crazy.

Even as I think about this, I realize that many good things have come out of my sister and I being so different. Being that painfully shy girl, I ran into plenty of stereotypical 'mean girls' that ruined my view of preppy, popular girls. This is probably what started me in the direction of liking the color black, death metal, and hating pop and pink.  However, despite this, my sister has shown me a whole other side of what would seem to be the stereotypical pretty blond girl.  My sister is one of the sweetest being who has ever been created. She is popular and beautiful, but kind and generous. We are different, but I love her more than anything else in the whole world, even if she doesn't like my prom dress. Without her, I might have become a bitter, popular-hating hipster, no better than those who hurt me in the past.

Hipster - what is in a name?

"Hipster" is such a nearly hypocritcal term in today's vocabulary, that I find that I confuse even myself with it's usage. The other day I happened to mention to a friend rather sheepishly that I felt like a failure of a hipster for starting a blog after my friend did. Her response was something along the lines of 'why would you call yourself such a vile insult of a term?!', and that is not paraphrasing much.  I had to explain to her that I did not want to be one of those hipsters that is arrogant about their tastes and wears skinny jeans and Ray-Ban glasses with their nearly androgynous haircuts. I think that hipsters started out as people who wanted to like what they liked without being influenced by the general atmosphere of fashion and taste. The very fact that hipsters now have a specific subculture contradicts the very base of that which they profess.

I am not trying to claim that I am not affected by peer pressure at all, I am far from that. If my brother suggests anything I automatically like it because I am pretty sure that he is the coolest person to ever walk the Earth (besides Jesus). On the other hand, if my sister suggests music, I am bound to hate it.  Now, this mostly has to do with the fact that my brother and I have very similar tastes while my little sister is the exact opposite of me in most things, but also because I wish to identify more with my brother's subculture than my sister's preppy, fashionable one.

So, I have resigned myself to the fact that I will always be influenced by others in my choices, but also challenged myself to think for myself. If being a 'hipster' means that I have to only listen to obscure, indie music and never like anything mainstream, then I am not a hipster. However, if being a hipster means that I can rock out with a sonic screwdriver in my prom dress while blasting Celtic punk after playing Assassin's Creed, then hell yeah I'm a hipster! 

Mother's Day

Being a human, I happen to have a mother.  Being a teenage girl, I happen to be at odds with her very often.  Mother's Day reminds me that I would not be here without my mom, and not only from the standpoint that she gave me birth.  I remember how I could not go to sleep at night unless I had a hug from mommy, it was absolutely impossible.  Remembering that shows me that while I may be a teenager that now knows everything, there was still a time that I needed my mommy to hug me before I went to bed.  What I was surprised to remember was that I still need my mommy, maybe more than ever now.

It very seldom happens, but I have been known to talk in my sleep. One of these incidents happened about a year ago with my mom. Having fallen asleep reading yet again, my mom wen into my bedroom to turn off my light. What she didnt know is that I had yet again cried myself to sleep with one of the world consuming highschool problems that I would not stoop to tell my parents about.  Well, when my mom opened my door and turned off my light, I started mumbling. (This is all told to me by my mom, I have no memory of this event.) When she asked me what was wrong, I told her that I needed a hug before I went to sleep.  She gave me a hug and I went right back to sleep.

Though I may be able to put band aids on my own skinned knees, I still need my mommy. Without her I never could have become the woman I am today. And without her, I will never be the woman that I hope to become - my mom.